The One Bite Rule

Feeding kids can be tough. You do your part and buy the food, cook the food, get everyone to the table, sit down to enjoy the food and... protest from the 4-year old begins. So, you break out your rule: "Just take one bite (or three bites, or whatever your household rule is)".

But, is the one-bite rule a good thing or a bad thing? My answer is - it completetly depends on the mood at the table. If the child is enjoying the attention, and needs a little nudge to remember to take a spoonful of peas once in awhile, then so be it. But, once the mood changes and the child is now feeling bullied, it is time to back off. The reason is simple - nobody has ever been bullied into liking broccoli. Okay, maybe some people were bullied into trying a food and ended up liking it, but if you ask ten adults on the street if they were ever forced into trying a food and later ended up liking it, you'd get about nine NO WAYS. Many adults will tell you about food they still avoid just because of being forced to eat it as a child.

As much as possible, keep the atmosphere at the dinner table light-hearted - this isn't a time to argue, nag, complain, etc. The family meal is a valuable part of children's development, and keeping it pleasant makes it even more powerful. You don't have to do circus tricks, but put it at their level - sing some songs, like this silly one from a popular kids' TV show (I learned it because my 4-year-old was singing it one day as he ate his lunch). Help kids realize the connection between the food they are eating and their muscles, or growing big and strong, or whatever else they are into. Just stop short of forcing - you will know the point.

A broccoli story

We have experienced a success with broccoli in my house.

My six year old is a pretty good eater, but he definitely has his opinions about food. But, I've been following my own advice, and continue to serve him a variety of food while not pressuring him to eat it.

Broccoli has continued to sit untouched on his plate. We serve broccoli at least once a week, as I happen to love broccoli, as does my husband. I've tried covering his with a bit of cheese - didn't work. I've asked him to try it, and once in awhile he will dare to put a little bit on his tongue. So far, the result has been the same. "Yuck".

The boy loves soy sauce, and even prefers it to ketchup on most food. It had never occurred to me before to tell him to try his broccoli with a little soy sauce on it until the other night. Bingo - we now have a magic formula for broccoli consumption.

The moral of the story is to keep trying - in a low-key way. He would never have discovered the yumminess that soy sauce brings to steamed broccoli if I had given up and stopped serving him broccoli. Also, if I had forced him to eat his broccoli when he declared it was "yuck", he would have hated the thought of broccoli by now.

By the way, this works for adults, too - even if you don't like a particular food, it's important to keep trying it prepared in different ways. Green beans out of the can taste completely different than fresh green beans, steamed slightly. There are all kinds of different tricks and techniques that make food taste good, or not taste good.

You don't have to eat it....

I've written about this before in another blog that I write for, but it's worth mentioning here.

I've found that the phrase "you don't have to eat it" is magic when feeding my two kids.

Before I had kids, I attended an Ellyn Satter seminar, where she showed various clips of kids being fed - some of the clips showed examples of what not to do, as in the case of a chubby little boy crying when his food was taken away from him in an effort to help him lose weight. Another clip that really stood out to me was of a daycare worker, sitting down to eat a snack with about four children. One of the boys asked her "what is this", as he held up a chunk of cheese. She told him, and he proclaimed "I don't like cheese". Instead of trying to convince him otherwise ("you liked cheese yesterday, how about just one bite?" and so on), she simply said "it's ok, you don't have to eat it". Then, she continued with her snack, pleasantly talking to the children. Sure enough, when the boy realized the choice was his and that he wasn't going to get a rise out of his teacher, he popped the cheese in his mouth.

Now, I know plenty of parents who live by the "three bites" rule, and I also admit to enforcing that rule from time to time in my house. But, I have witnessed magic happen at my dinner table when I simply say "it's ok, you don't have to eat it". Of course, after I say these words, I proceed to eat the accused food and enjoy it (without making a big scene of course - that would cause suspicion in the kiddo's sharp mind).

You must remember that kids are always taking mental notes. Even if they don't eat the broccoli this time, they are observing you eat it (without dying!), and they are getting used to the fact that broccoli exists and sometimes shows up on their plate. It is reassuring to them that they are not in control of what appears on their plate (the adults are in charge of that), but that they will not be forced to eat something before they are ready (they are in charge of their own body).

This is a marathon, not a sprint - our job is not to force them to eat the broccoli this time (and possibly turn them into broccoli haters for the balance of their life); our job is to raise people who are willing to try foods, assess if they like it or not, and not freak out if that food is served to them at the White House, or wherever they may be eating (a parent can dream...).

Feeding Kids - Everybody, act casual....

One of the tricks of feeding kids is to act casual. They are watching.

Here's what I mean - you carefully prepare a healthy dinner, complete with two vegetables and a lean protein source (OK, a dinner of marinated chicken breast, buttered noodles, sauteed spinach and brussel sprouts). You put the plate in front of 4-year old, who promptly proclaims "Ewww - I'm not eating this".

Here's the moment of truth - what do you do?
A. Beg. Then bribe. Then plead. Then play choo-choo. Then repeat.
B. Jump up to make him hot dogs and Mac & Cheese. Put it on his favorite plate.
C. Make him eat it or sit there until bedtime. Serve said food for breakfast. Repeat.
D. Say "you don't have to eat it". Then sit and enjoy your dinner and act like you haven't a care in the world.

If you picked anything but "D", you may be creating the picky eating problem in your house.

See, there is a psychology to feeding kids (see my post about feeding kids here). These little guys get very suspicious when they sense that we are trying too hard. In their minds, trying too hard = something unpleasant. Think shots at the doctor's office. We don't have to try too hard when there is an ice cream cone, involved, now do we? They are on to us....

The best way to feed these little detectives is to simply do our job - provide the structure (meals and snacks), and decide on the menu. Then, back off. Cool as a cucumber. Couldn't care less if he touches the spinach. Before you know it.... Houston, he has tried the spinach!

Feeding Kids 101

There are great battles going on every night at the dinner table all across the world. The main problem is that we never got the job description for parenting - the one that would have detailed the rules for feeding kids. So, we make it up as we go, and many of us mistakingly believe that getting the food into the kid's belly is main task number one. We don't feel satisfied until the child has eaten the required serving of broccoli, because if they don't eat it, we're a bad parent - right?

Maybe this is why I love this area - it comes as such a relief to many parents when they finally hear and believe the message - you don't have to get the food into the child! Your job is to get the food to the child!

I'm not making this up - the correct way to feed children is to allow them to have some responsibility in the process. Ellyn Satter, author and the pioneer of this method, calls it the Division of Responsiblity. From her website:

Feeding demands a division of responsibility. Parents are responsible for the what, when and where of feeding; Children are responsible for the how much and whether of eating...Ellyn Satter

This requires a bit of attention to fully digest (bad pun, sorry); but, it really boils down to this - you as the parent need to get the food to the child in a structured way - meaning meals and snacks. Then, your job is done. It is not up to you to get the food into the child - that's his job. Barring medical problems, healthy children will eat well this way and will thrive.

This is really the way to raise healthy eaters - this method helps kids to learn about food at their own pace, try new foods at their own comfort level, and grow to the weight they are supposed to be.

Peace to the dinner table!