You don't have to eat it....

I've written about this before in another blog that I write for, but it's worth mentioning here.

I've found that the phrase "you don't have to eat it" is magic when feeding my two kids.

Before I had kids, I attended an Ellyn Satter seminar, where she showed various clips of kids being fed - some of the clips showed examples of what not to do, as in the case of a chubby little boy crying when his food was taken away from him in an effort to help him lose weight. Another clip that really stood out to me was of a daycare worker, sitting down to eat a snack with about four children. One of the boys asked her "what is this", as he held up a chunk of cheese. She told him, and he proclaimed "I don't like cheese". Instead of trying to convince him otherwise ("you liked cheese yesterday, how about just one bite?" and so on), she simply said "it's ok, you don't have to eat it". Then, she continued with her snack, pleasantly talking to the children. Sure enough, when the boy realized the choice was his and that he wasn't going to get a rise out of his teacher, he popped the cheese in his mouth.

Now, I know plenty of parents who live by the "three bites" rule, and I also admit to enforcing that rule from time to time in my house. But, I have witnessed magic happen at my dinner table when I simply say "it's ok, you don't have to eat it". Of course, after I say these words, I proceed to eat the accused food and enjoy it (without making a big scene of course - that would cause suspicion in the kiddo's sharp mind).

You must remember that kids are always taking mental notes. Even if they don't eat the broccoli this time, they are observing you eat it (without dying!), and they are getting used to the fact that broccoli exists and sometimes shows up on their plate. It is reassuring to them that they are not in control of what appears on their plate (the adults are in charge of that), but that they will not be forced to eat something before they are ready (they are in charge of their own body).

This is a marathon, not a sprint - our job is not to force them to eat the broccoli this time (and possibly turn them into broccoli haters for the balance of their life); our job is to raise people who are willing to try foods, assess if they like it or not, and not freak out if that food is served to them at the White House, or wherever they may be eating (a parent can dream...).

Feeding Kids 101

There are great battles going on every night at the dinner table all across the world. The main problem is that we never got the job description for parenting - the one that would have detailed the rules for feeding kids. So, we make it up as we go, and many of us mistakingly believe that getting the food into the kid's belly is main task number one. We don't feel satisfied until the child has eaten the required serving of broccoli, because if they don't eat it, we're a bad parent - right?

Maybe this is why I love this area - it comes as such a relief to many parents when they finally hear and believe the message - you don't have to get the food into the child! Your job is to get the food to the child!

I'm not making this up - the correct way to feed children is to allow them to have some responsibility in the process. Ellyn Satter, author and the pioneer of this method, calls it the Division of Responsiblity. From her website:

Feeding demands a division of responsibility. Parents are responsible for the what, when and where of feeding; Children are responsible for the how much and whether of eating...Ellyn Satter

This requires a bit of attention to fully digest (bad pun, sorry); but, it really boils down to this - you as the parent need to get the food to the child in a structured way - meaning meals and snacks. Then, your job is done. It is not up to you to get the food into the child - that's his job. Barring medical problems, healthy children will eat well this way and will thrive.

This is really the way to raise healthy eaters - this method helps kids to learn about food at their own pace, try new foods at their own comfort level, and grow to the weight they are supposed to be.

Peace to the dinner table!

How we teach kids to break the hunger scale

Remember that movie Monster's Ball? In it, there was a single mom and her overweight boy - in one scene, the mom discovered that the boy was hiding candy and she got angry at him; this is called hoarding, and it is caused by someone forcing that boy to break his own hunger scale.

When we withhold food from kids, or make comments that they have had enough or remind them that they are eating too much, we take away their power and incentive to listen to their own internal hunger cues. In some cases, children feel so guilty about wanting food and so conflicted about what they "should" be doing and what they want to do, that they start developing some dysfunctional behaviors, such as hoarding food. They are not being bad kids, it's a matter of survival.

Another way we teach kids to break their hunger scale is by encouraging them to graze all the time; I see this at the playground a lot - a child will be running around, having fun, and the mom will be holding out crackers that the child zooms by and takes, never really slowing down. In this situation, the child never gets to the lower parts of the hunger scale, and never really feels hunger pangs. It's no wonder when the child becomes a picky eater!

I'll talk more about feeding kids in this blog, but for now, I need to mention that everything you need to know about feeding kids can be found in books by Ellyn Satter - visit her website http://www.ellynsatter.com/ for loads of information and books.